I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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