new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
