did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
