whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
