Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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