the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You may now shotgun with the bride
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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