Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I party with great urgency now.
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