wakey wakey hands off snakey
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
