oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
