I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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