the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
