Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
