Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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