There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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