Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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