Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
