nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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