I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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