just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
