I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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