Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
