vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
