Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
