I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
