im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
