lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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