I can feel you judging me through the phone.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
