I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
