the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
