Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
