You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
