...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
