if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
