Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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