Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In other news, I just burned my penis
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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