i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
