oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
