How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
