She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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