Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
