She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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