'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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