Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
