I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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