apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
