Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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