Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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