I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
