i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
