just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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